By Freda Shamma PhD
Children are born in a state of fitra (purity) and then their parents teach them to be believers or unbelievers. According to the Musnad Ibn Hanbal, "The children of the unbelievers are better than you grown-ups. Every living creature is born with a righteous nature." It is our obligation and duty as parents to teach our children so that they grow up to be believing, practicing Muslims. Sending the child to an Islamic weekend school or to a full-time Islamic school is an important but minor part of their Islamic education. The major 'institution of learning' for each child is his family, and the major 'professors' of this institution are the parents.
The most effective way to teach anything to anybody is to be a role model. This is why Allah sent human beings as prophets to all peoples. Whether we willingly accept this job or not, it is a fact that your child learns how to function in life by watching what you do. Even the absent parent is role modeling to the degree that a boy, whose father abandoned his family, will probably treat his own children the same way.
Every time we deal with our children, we are teaching them, whether we intend to or not. There is a famous poem by an anonymous author that depicts this vividly. It begins:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
Therefore we must examine carefully how we deal with our child in order to have a desirable end result. This same poem continues:
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
POSITIVE VS. NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
As the above poem indicates, negative comments and treatment result in negative attributes in our children, and positive comments and treatment result in positive results. The term 'positive and negative reinforcement' is popular in modern psychology, but it was advocated by the Qu'ran and the actions and sayings of Prophet Muhammad (May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him), 1400 years ago. How do we use positive reinforcement to teach our children?
Young children are basically good. Furthermore they want to please their parents. When you praise them for their good behavior by telling them that Papa and/or Mama is happy with their action, you are using positive reinforcement. Unfortunately many parents ignore their child's good actions and only comment on the bad actions. Let us take an example.
INTEGRATING ISLAM INTO LIFE
One of the most important aspects of raising your children to be Muslims is to introduce the idea that Allah is also happy with their good actions. If you say that what they did or are doing is making you and Allah happy, then the child begins to associate good behavior with acting for the pleasure of Allah, which in a nutshell, is exactly what being a good Muslim involves. Can you say anything better of a believer other than that he/she does everything fi sabillah (for the sake of Allah)?
The child who errs is forgiven by Allah, and if he dies in childhood, he automatically goes to heaven. This mercy of Allah should guide us as we guide our children. It is not necessary to make the child fearful of Allah or fearful of going to hell. In fact, this approach is counter productive - it often achieves the very result we are trying to avoid. Stressing the negative and the punishment makes the child want to avoid anything to do with the religion. He or she grows up thinking that it is religion that keeps him from enjoying life.
ATTRIBUTES OF ALLAH
When you are talking to children under the age of twelve, stress the characteristics of Allah that will give him security and assurances as he grows and encounters fearful situations and unknowns. He needs to be aware of the many blessings Allah has given to him to help him enjoy and cope with his life. And he needs to understand which actions Allah will be pleased with, rather than worry over punishment for mistakes he knows he will make.
ISLAM AND DAILY LIFE
Too often when parents think about talking to their children about Islam, they concentrate on the ritual of the five pillars. They teach them how to make salat (required prayer), and they teach them some short Qur'anic surat (chapters). These are important, but don't forget that Islam is a total way of life, and every aspect has an Islamic element that you need to talk about and demonstrate for your child. When the father goes off to work, the mother can say 'Good bye' or she can say 'Assalamu alaikum' and add its meaning in English, 'may Allah's peace be with you". As she and the young child start to do something together, she can mention that the father is doing what Allah says a good father should do - working to take care of the family. She can also mention, and the father should also mention it frequently, that she is trying to please Allah by doing many things to help her child and the family. When the child helps her mother clean off the table, the mother should mention that Allah is pleased with children who help their parents. Mentioning the Islamic aspect does not imply nor suggest that you need to deliver lectures about Islam to your child. No child wants to sit still long enough to hear a lecture about anything. The effective teaching comes as short comments or stories that point out the Islamic nature of the action. When the parents pay zakat (yearly compulsory tax), they should mention the fact to their children. When they visit the sick, they should quote a Qur'anic ayah (verse) or hadith (story about Prophet Muhammad) which indicates that this action pleases Allah. When there are two ways that a child can respond to a situation, the parent can mentions nicely which way will be pleasing to Allah.
The constant reference to Allah, the constant encouragement to do what is right, and the constant praise and positive reinforcement for doing the right actions, will focus your child on the right path.
As our children reach adolescence, they begin to question what they have been taught, especially if most of the youth they associate with are non-Muslims, or non-practicing Muslims.
If you have already established a positive relationship with your youth, then your teenage child will come to you with his/her questions and concerns. Do not mistake these questions and worries as a rebellion against you or against their religion. They see the kids at school dating, and it looks like fun. 'Why shouldn't we date?' they wonder. Be happy that your youth feels comfortable coming to you with these issues.
If you have not established a positive relationship with your child by this time, you will probably have a big problem on your hands, because your youth will have the same questions, but he won't come to you for a discussion about them. He will be seeking his answers from his friends, and if his friends are not actively practicing Muslims, he may be getting answers that go against Islam.
Why do some parents and youth have a positive relationship and others do not? There are at least two important factors here: time and what kind of time? Did the parents spend time with their children as they were growing up? Did they make a practice of asking their children about their school, their friends, their opinions on various things, and then LISTEN to their answers?
Remember positive reinforcement? What kind of time do the parents spend with their children? Is it based on positive reinforcement, or does the child expects to hear angry and negative comments every time he/she tries to talk to a parent?
EVALUATING THE NEGATIVE
When you have discussions with your youth, you may be alarmed at his rudeness, or his apparent rejection of everything you say. He may even tell you that you are stupid or you don't understand, or you don't care about him. This does not mean what it sounds like. It means that he does not feel comfortable with the answers he is getting. Maybe what you say is opposite to what he is feeling at that moment, or maybe he has given that answer to his non-Muslim friends and they have rejected that opinion.
Although it is very hard, remain kind and positive with your youth. It really hurts the parent to hear these comments, but they are not really aimed at the parent, but at the thinking process he/she is now undertaking.
During your discussions with your youth, you will now want to include both positive and negative reinforcement. 'Yes', you may agree with your youth, 'it is very difficult not to drink when everyone else is, but remember that Allah will reward you for your good behavior, and remember His punishment if you follow someone other than Allah.'
When there are so many unIslamic forces putting pressure on your youth, he now needs to understand that Allah will hold him accountable for his actions. Allah will help if the youth ask Him for help, and he will be rewarded for following the right path, but accountability also means he will receive punishment for his bad deeds.
Life is too difficult to do by oneself. The young child has his parents who protect him, and encourage him and who 'know everything'. Then he/she grows up and discovers that mother and father don't really know everything. Furthermore at school he/she is hearing and seeing other philosophies of life, and the selfish, materialistic one most readily seen at school seems like fun, and besides, 'everyone else is doing it'. How is the youth supposed to figure out who is right? It is a difficult time for him/her, and it is up to the parents to be supportive, to encourage discussions, to make allowances for mistakes, but at the same time, to remain firm in their teaching of Islamic values.
SEVERAL ISSUES INVOLVED
While teaching and talking to our children about Islam, we need to be aware of certain hidden issues. These are secular vs. religious actions, facts vs. behavior and acquiescence vs. critical thinking. These issues affect our thinking and acting although few of us are aware of them.
Discuss Islam with your children from the time they are young, stressing the positive, and encouraging them to speak frankly and freely to you. Be an Islamic role model for them. By the time they have emerged from their troubling, questioning adolescence, you will have children who have actively embraced Islam, and who want to be Muslim because they know that it will make their life better in this world, and in the hereafter, in shaa Allah (Allah willing).