“Mi”, Ex-Christian, USA (part 3 of 3) |
   Description: The daughter of a southern Baptist preacher finds her way to Islam. Part 3: Sincere soul searching and questioning finally brings her to Islam. By “Mi”Published on 09 Jul 2012 - Last modified on 09 Jul 2012 Viewed: 181 (daily average: 379) - Rating: none yet - Rated by: 0 Printed: 3 - Emailed: 1 - Commented on: 0 Category: Articles > Stories of New Muslims > Women |
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On one particular night of paying
half attention to my instructor and the other half to the relentless thoughts I
had regarding faith and religion, I began to write down my thoughts and
questions. There was an African sister who had married interracially and was
Christian sitting to my near left. I knew she was proud of being a Christian
and it brought her that same joy I used to have. I passed her the piece of
paper for her to attempt to answer. On a restroom break, she tried to answer
questions about the trinity, sin and atonement but for some reason, the precepts
she was speaking I knew of but now did not understand. The scholarly, quiet
Muslim girl was sitting behind the Christian girl. I passed her the same note.
To my surprise, she wrote down answers that were so clear and concrete. Her
body language was subtle; she was not leaning in writing frantically trying to
convert me to her faith whereas the other sister did. She wrote down some
websites I would be able to visit which had more explanation. WHAT JUST
HAPPENED? Why did I even ask the Muslim girl? Did I just throw a wrench yet
again into my whole identity? With the clear answers she provided, if I were a
minister, how could I share the gospel with her and convert her? Since she was
from another country originally, she had no concept of atonement or of a triune
God.
Once home after writing papers
and when my husband had gone to work, I would visit websites about Islam. Most
of the sites had consistent information. The sites that seemed spooky, calling
Salat contact prayer for example, were obviously not what I was looking
for. Praise be unto Allah, looking back, it was only me searching for these
answers with no one to interpret what I was reading and I could cipher through
what wasn’t Islam. I looked up everything I could find. I had become obsessed
with religion and the search for what felt right. I came to the conclusion that
there had to be only one God. I considered atheism but the natural world, the
human body, the force within us that makes us who we are were too intricate to
be some cosmic coincidence or accident. It came down to Judaism or Islam.
Meanwhile, as semesters went by,
my personal life began to unravel. I presented the findings I had on Islam to
my husband. He did not like it one bit. He didn’t speak to me for 2 days.
When he was ready to talk, he stated that he didn’t understand where all of this
was coming from or why I wanted to spend so much time at school or with school
friends. With his complete disapproval and the knowledge that he would not
convert, I studied in secret. With two babies, a constant tugging on my heart,
and a similar gut feeling about the matters at hand, I had to make some
decisions. One night, I was online witnessing a person take shahada or
their declaration of faith. I began to cry uncontrollably and I still till this
day do not know why nor can I explain what I was feeling. A few days later I
took mine all alone. I even did it on three different occasions to make
certain.
During my search, there were many
opinions regarding religion and faith. Most of the people who were atheists,
agnostics, or apostates of Islam had seen injustice or experienced some hardship
they placed on God. I made sure not to do this. I made sure to consider all
arguments, to retract my blasphemous statements to God when I was angry with Him
and trusted that any action I committed based on some feeling of faith was not
any fault of God. I have heard arguments about how people whose faith is low
are more susceptible to having someone be able to convert them. I don’t believe
that this was the case for me. I would rather take the position that I was
always searching for God wanted me to do. Did He want these bodily actions of
worship: the louder the better? Did He intend for us to be segregated by color
or culture? Despite having clinical depression and questions, I feel that I owed
it to myself to make the most coherent, sound, clear decision. I would love to
say that life became easier, that there were butterflies and rainbows and I
lived happily ever after but that is not the case. My marriage ended and I am
the only Muslim in my family of course. I struggle with the prayers since my
concept of worship was completely different. Many reverts disclose how they’ve
attained so much peace through prayer or how they’ve felt this tug in their
hearts but that was a struggle for me. My personal conflicts as a Muslim deal
with culture versus the faith, and the feeling of simply standing all alone
donned in hijab for the sake of my beliefs. However, the most beautiful thing
to me after becoming a Muslim is that finally, I have answered prayers and
questions. This brings me a great deal of peace and makes my struggle minute in
comparison to the benefits I’ve gained.
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| Previous: “Mi”, Ex-Christian, USA (part 2 of 3) |
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| “Mi”, Ex-Christian, USA (part 1 of 3) | |||
| “Mi”, Ex-Christian, USA (part 2 of 3) | |||
| “Mi”, Ex-Christian, USA (part 3 of 3) | |||
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